Bad Apples & Just Apples

Often times as I scroll through my Facebook feed (and instagram) I see a lot of articles regarding divorce geared towards the women who were hurt, taken advantage of, etc. during their marriage and sometimes after the divorce. I read these and feel for these women (many of their stories beyond heartbreaking), but I also notice that there is a common blanketed belief that men are the cause of the problem. The majority of the articles I have seen are focused on the women who were the victims, and place the blame entirely on the man.

Although I recognize that in some situations it is easy to find fault/error with the actions of that man, I also feel that it is not very common that a divorce is COMPLETELY one sided. There is usually some degree of fault, error, miscommunication, etc. on BOTH SIDES (though the degree to which one is at fault can DEFINITELY vary).

My husband is divorced, and I am his second wife. Unlike the stories I read on FB (where I feel for the women who share those experiences), I am exposed regularly to the RAW emotions and experiences of a divorced man; a man who has admitted his fault in aspects of his divorce but is often floored that men and women alike choose to take zero responsibility for their faults in their divorce.

SIDE NOTE: We met an AMAZING MAN last week who shared with us that he has finally married the “right” woman. This is his third marriage. He said many things that amazed me. He started by sharing about his rough youth and how he got involved with a lot of not-so-good stuff. He shared how had a few people that made a big difference in his life and the direction his life went. He shared his largest gains and greatest losses. He shared a bit about his first two marriages, and that his first two wives cheated on him. As he spoke of the marriages/his exes, he mentioned something that made me instantly know I had just met an incredible man. He said: “I wasn’t doing my job. If they did that, I wasn’t doing what I needed to do.” In many instances, someone cheats and the other person in the marriage is bitter and mad about the situation. They accept no responsibility or fault because they weren’t the one who cheated. But in reality, why did that person cheat? Why did they resort to do so? This is all obviously is a situation by situation, person by person basis. However, this man’s humility in RECOGNIZING that his actions LED to that occurrence in some way SHOCKED ME.

He is a good man. Most people who get divorced are GOOD people. In the majority of situations, it breaks my heart when the blame is put 100% on the husband/father and there is NO responsibility taken on behalf of the wife/mother.

I have seen a man who has been broken emotionally and in part mentally, had his son kept from him, literally shed tears during the many hard times, sat in silence when reflecting on happy AND sad moments, who has chosen to accept responsibility for his actions. I have seen his young son ask if he’s COMING HOME with him after one of their short and rare visits, and the heartbreak of this dad telling him HE CAN'T. I have seen his little boy get upset, mad even, that his dad was leaving, again, and yet my husband wishes more than anything he didn’t have to leave or say goodbye and wait another few months before seeing him for an afternoon.

Sometimes good people get hurt. Sometimes in a divorce both parties feel hurt or betrayed. Sometimes both sides are both victims. Most times both sides have some degree of responsibility to accept for the divorce. Sometimes all the blame goes to only one person, and responsibility is thrown out the window.

I do not claim to know anything other than men tend to get a bad rap in life: They can rarely babysit because “you know how some men are”. They don’t get their children in a divorce because the mother “will be a better parent right now”. They can’t be alone with certain people and can’t be trusted with others. Men get blamed for a lot of the world’s problems, even when it’s not the men who were solely responsible.

In our lives we have been exposed to a few BAD apples. Some we have personally seen/tasted/picked. Some we have seen friends or loved ones get exposed to. And yet somehow these few bad apples have spoiled the rest of the apples. When thinking of this analogy, don’t just think in terms of marriage/relationships-- think to different jobs/cultures/families/etc.

A few bad apples happened to be men. They may have abused their wives (physically, emotionally, or mentally). They may have cheated someone out of their time or hard earned money. They may have been dishonest or claimed to be someone they clearly weren’t. I am not saying these men do not exist. I am simply stating that many good apples/good men are lumped into the bad apple category simply for being a “stereotypical” man, when in reality being a man is the only reason they were lumped into that category to begin with. We even neglect, or to an extent refuse to admit, that there are a few bad apples who happen to be women.

Let me make my thoughts clear: If you were hurt or cheated on or abused by one of these bad apples, I am so sorry for the pain he caused you and I hope over time you can find a way to let go of the pain and heal.

If, however, you are somehow convinced that every divorced man is guilty of something bad; if you come to the conclusion that he doesn’t have his child with him because he did something wrong; if you are determined to find fault or error in a man because things obviously didn’t work out before…

STOP IT.

Most men are not bad apples/bad men. Most men are good. Most men love their children. Most men love their wife. No man is perfect. All men make mistakes. But also realize that no woman is perfect. All women make mistakes. Most men try to provide and make their wives happy and take care of their children. Many men fall short of what the aimed to be. But many women fall short as well. Some men say hurtful things, behave inappropriately, offend those closest to them, betray the ones they love. BUT most men will apologize, make it right, do anything and everything in their power to not only say they are sorry but also to show it repetitively. Not because they have to or feel obligated to, but because they love you; they are human and made a mistake (to some extent) and they want to make it right because it wasn’t right. Most men will apologize. Most men will love you on the good days, and somehow love you more on the bad ones. Most men will love you as you are. Most men work hard. Most men accomplish great things FOR their families. Most men care. Most men are kind. Most men are honest.

I have seen over time (even just the last few years) less and less people (disregarding gender, race, background, religion, etc.) accept “personal” responsibility. No one wants to admit they are imperfect, that they fell short, that they made a mistake, that they did something wrong, that they were off, that they didn’t accomplish what they aimed to, that they were or still are judgemental. But what we often forget is that we are ALL imperfect. We all fall short, often. We each make so many mistakes, that it should be funny at this point. We all mess up ALL the time and do things wrong. We don’t quite make it. We are all guilty of judging others, often times those closest to us.

It has been said that when you point a finger (of judgement or blame) at another, reality is, you have THREE pointed back at yourself. This statement has been said to me before and I’ve heard it said to others multiple times, by individuals who (when confronted during an honest and heartfelt conversation) felt attacked in someway. This “attack” was many times me just being honest and open, sharing my feelings/experiences/emotions. Somehow in today’s society, conversations no longer happen. If someone disagrees with someone’s belief or experience or story, they get attacked for sharing.

WHEN did having open communication or conversations start to become an easy entrance for an ATTACK? WHY can’t we have the “hard conversations” without getting MAD? WHEN someone shares their personal experiences, WHY don’t we just listen? WHY do we feel it necessary to immediately put up our DEFENSES, put off all responsibility, admit to NO FAULT, and claim the other person is to BLAME. WHY are we so QUICK to JUDGE? WHY are we so quick to FEEL ATTACKED that the second someone gets up the courage to share what they are thinking or feeling, we close our eyes/ears/mind and immediately PUSH BACK?

If I can’t even stand up for MYSELF in a conversation without being attacked, it’s clear the good men don’t stand a chance. The second one man opens his mouth to explain his experience during a situation, WE SHUT HIM DOWN. We tell him that he is either WRONG or that his situation isn’t “normal” or “typical”. We push aside his story and emotions because we don’t like that those emotions don’t line up with the storyline we’ve been sharing. We don’t want to admit we're judgemental. We don’t want to admit we’re wrong. We don't want to believe that our experience and our story isn't THE right one. We claim to be open minded. We claim to be fair. We claim to understand. BUT when it boils down to it, we can’t admit that we were wrong or that we have some responsibility in what’s going on.

WHY do we feel it necessary to attack instead of love? To react instead of listen? To judge instead of care? To hinder instead of help?

Why is it that we can find the fault in others SO fast & easily but struggle to EVER truly admit the fault in ourselves?

Truth is, there are bad apples out there. But in reality, none of us are a perfect apple. We all have some sort of blemish, discoloration, quirk. We may be missing our stem. We may have a small hole (or even multiple holes). We might even have a bite out of us. We might have fallen off the tree-- we might be bruised or we might be going bad. BUT WE ARE NOT BAD. Most of us aren’t bad apples. We are JUST apples.

Why do we feel it necessary to judge someone for their imperfections as if we had none?

How different would the world be if we stopped judging and starting accepting responsibility? How different would things become if we admitted our fault and continually strived to overcome our own weaknesses and imperfections? How different would things turn out if we chose to accept others’ realities with an equal weight to our own realities?

How can we begin to reverse the damage a few bad apples have done?

How can I do better in my own life to take responsibilities for the wrongs I’ve done and mistakes I’ve made, regardless of my ability or desire to continually justify those actions?

What good has EVER come out of the statement “it’s her/his fault”?? None. NONE. We should NEVER cast blame on another. We should ALWAYS seek to recognize our contributions/involvement/responsibility. After all, it takes two to tango, and what good can result from casting fault and blame, accepting no fault in return?

Can’t we do better? I know I can.